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It's not all from my inbox, but it's funny just the same. X)

Christmas is the time for people to shine. Just check out this cute little letter that Santa received from Little Johnny last year.

Dear Santa,

You must be surprised that I'm writing to you today, the 26th of December....

Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month.

Filled with illusion, I wrote you my letter. I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of roller blades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year. Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school.

I'm not going to lie to you, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me with my parents, my brothers, my friends, and with my neighbors. I would go on errands, and even help the elderly cross the street. There is virtually nothing within reach that I would not do for humanity....

What balls do you have leaving me a fucking yoyo, a stupid whistle and a pair of butt ugly socks! What the fuck were you thinking, you fat prick, that you've taken me for a sucker the whole fucking year to come out with some shit like this under the tree. As if you hadn't fucked me enough, you gave that little pervert across the street so many toys that he can't even walk into his house!

Please don't let me see you trying to fit your big Fat Ass down my chimney next year! I'll fuck you up but good! I'll throw rocks at those stupid reindeer and scare them away so you'll have to walk back home to the North Fucking pole, just like I do since you didn't get me that Fucking bike!

Fuck you Santa. Next year you'll find out how bad I can be, you fat fucking bastard....

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If General Motors had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that go 1,000 miles to the gallon." in response to Bill's comments, GM issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology like MIcrosoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, You would have to pull over to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought "CarNT" but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but it would only run on five percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "general protection fault" warning light.
8. The airbag sytem would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.
10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car's performace to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
12. You'd have to press the start button to turn the system off.

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage revealed: Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt". Soon you will be able to handle this situation.

Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner in law firm Knee, Deep & Schitt.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie, the twins Deep and Dip, Fulla, Giva and Bull Schitt.

Against his parent's strong objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe Schitt married Mr. Scherlock and, because her kids were living with them, decided to keep her previous name, hence, she became known as Noe Schitt-Scherlock.

Dip Schitt moved south and married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son - and named him Chick Noe (after his grandmother) Schitt. He became known as Chick N. Schitt for short.

Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Horse Schitt. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned with his new Italian bride, Pisa. Their only son, Tough Schitt, became a professional wrestler and later moved to Minnesota to pursue a career in politics.

Now when someone says that you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them. :D

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